Key Concept #1
Emotional Maturity – In Both Individuals is the Key to Success

A strong component of a healthy relationship is two emotionally mature individuals. The more mature each person is the happier and more satisfied each person will be and the less likely they will seek out marriage or couple’s counseling or get a divorce.

It’s very easy and often the case that each person in the relationship will point the finger at the other as the culprit for the conflict that occurs. If he or she would do this or that the relationship would improve. In some cases this is true. If one person clams up and won’t talk to you then that’s a problem. If one person has affairs or drinks or uses anger to get their way, this is definitely a problem. But what of the other person – why have they chosen to be in a relationship with this kind of person? What is in it for them, or was, up until now, but is no longer providing that pay off? Because there is always a payoff for being in any relationships we choose to be in. We live in a free country and except in very rare and unusual situations, we make free choices in our partnerships. Unless your partner is holding a gun to your head, you are making a free choice to be there. The concept I use in my work is that it takes two to tango and even though one may be leading, the other is willingly following.

Key Concept #2
No Victims – No Identified Culprit

In terms of couples counseling or therapy each person comes with emotional, psychological and maturity issues that need to be addressed. I do not work with people with the idea that one is the identified problem and the other is an innocent victim of him or her. One person may be slightly farther along the continuum of personal growth and development and this is often the one who initiates the work we do together, but this person is in this relationship and therefore they too have issues to be dealt with.

Key Concept #3
Like Attracts Life – Relationships Form Between People with the Same Level of Maturity

I use the concept of like attracts like which means that on some level each person in the couple is like the other in terms of the strength of their maturity. This often shows up in complimentary ways. For example, one is strong and capable in the work arena and the other is strong and capable in the social arena but both are weak in the opposite domain. Up until the women’s movement this was a typical situation in most marriages. He went off the outside world and made a living and she stayed home and did the home and children. But times have changed and most couples seeking marriage or relationship counseling are not looking to keep this idea intact, or at least one of them isn’t.

Key Concept #4
Relationships Grow or Die Via the Growth and Development of Each Individual in the Relationship

Another concept I use in my work is that relationships either grow or they atrophy and die and that this happens when one or both parties get stuck and chooses not to grow. When this happens one or both parties wants out – it’s rare for someone to want to stay in a dead or dying relationship. But the only way for a relationship to grow is for the individuals within it to grow. This is an individual endeavor, not one they take on as a project to fix the relationship without looking at themselves, because the relationship is simply a symptom of the immaturity and undeveloped parts of the people who make up the relationship. Now this doesn’t mean they can’t work together on it, this would be the optimum way but the focus has to be on self-development first and then how this affects the relationship.

Key Concept #5
There is a Risk in Growing and Choices May Have to be Made

But this can be a scary thing since developing oneself could mean that you no longer fit the other person. It might mean that one person refuses to do the work, isn’t interested in personal growth and wants to remain the way they are. If this is the case then the person who is changing and growing has a choice, stay and live with this and stop wanting or expecting a change from the other or leave. Practical considerations come into play here. Maybe there are children in the house and the person who is changing decides to stay until they are out of the nest. Or there are other valid reasons for staying but the question in this case is what is this going to cost the person who makes this decision. If continual fighting and turmoil is part of the deal then this is not healthy for anyone, especially any children who might be involved. It’s also difficult to grow and develop oneself in the face of opposition and turmoil.

How I Work with Couples

Given these concepts what does this mean in terms of my work with couples? Below are my guidelines:

Individual counseling or coaching Sessions: I recommend each person engages in their own personal development work with me on a weekly basis for at least three months.

Couples Counseling: I recommend that the above couple works on the relationship in relation to what they are learning about themselves in either weekly or bi-weekly or monthly sessions with me; this is determined by the time and financial resources of the couple.

Individual work done on your own: If due to time and money constraints the couple cannot do the individual work with me then I will give them homework to do on their own. We will discuss the homework at the weekly couple’s sessions with me.

Time Frames – How Long Does it Take?

90 Days or More of Individual Focus – Phase One

The individual work needs to be done for at least 90 days before we begin to look at solutions to the relationship issues. The three months of couples counseling we do during this time is for each person to get a better understanding of the other, rather than attempting to fix the relationship prior to understanding what we are working with. I call this the Owing up and Understanding phase of our work together.

Owning Up – Taking Responsibility

Owning up means taking responsibility for your part in the relationship dynamics.  If you play the child most of the time in this relationship then you own up to how this pays off for you.  If you play the parent then you own up to how you get a payoff for this.  If you get your way or what you want by charm or anger or innocence or arrogance, or narcissism then you own up to this. 

Understanding – Eliminating the BLM

During this phase you begin a process of understanding the other, who they are, what makes them tick, what their needs are, their basic temperament and all the things about them that are not going to change because they are part of this person’s authentic self.  A big part of this is eliminating the BLM in your relationship and the blame and name calling this usually entails, even if you don’t do it to their face.  BLM stands for be like me and is used in marriages and other relationships to point out why the other person is wrong – if he or she would only be like me everything would be perfect, the thinking goes. 

Healing Past Wounds and Turning Down Their Volume

Depending on the person and their family of origin issues, we will look at how and why they are doing what they are now doing in terms of emotional maturity.  In most cases, our adaptive behavior got started as a reaction to the influences and situations of our childhood.  We react to something that happens to us in childhood and it becomes a habitual pattern, which at first smoothes the way for us but becomes maladaptive over time. 

Transactional Analysis – Parent – Child – Adult States

One of the most prevalent maladaptive behavior is to function in one of two states when you feel threatened, either like a child or like a parent.  The goal of a healthy and happy individual is to grow up and become an adult but just because a person has reach chronological adulthood does not mean he or she functions from the adult state particularly in intimate relationships.  We present ourselves to the world as adults but are, in many cases acting from either our parent like selves or our child like selves.  Then when we get into relationships we find someone we can do this with but it’s usually parent to child and then child to parent in a switch off deal.  At some level most of us want to be a kid and be taken care of or we want to be the parent and call all the shots and it all depends on our mood and our needs at the time.  So we pick someone who will do this with us.  But over time this creates all kinds of conflict and unhappiness. 

Re-Parenting Your Inner Child

In order to get to the adult state and stay there – which by the way is the mature state - we must develop a way to re-parent our inner child.  We become the adult to this child. 

Keeping the Joyful, Exuberant and Curious Inner Child

While the goal of therapy, whether it is related to relationship or couples work, is always a more mature and emotionally secure individual, I do not want to imply that this means we eliminate the best part of our inner child, the joy, the exuberance and the curiosity of that child.  We want to retain that part, as that is the part that keeps us young and energized about life. 

Phase Two – Relationship Enrichment

Once each person has done 90 days of personal growth work on their own development and understanding of themselves and their mate and also on how they interact with each other, we will move on to relationship enrichment.  This will include problem solving, conflict resolution and the development of new ways of interacting with each other.  Often, this happens automatically as a result of the change each makes in him or herself but if it doesn’t then we will shine the light on couple interactions and work to resolve or agree to disagree on some things.  This phase can take upwards of another 90 days and often has a one step forward and two steps back feeling to it as each person practices new behaviors and ways of being together. 

Phase Three – Gradual Termination of Counseling/Coaching

During Phase Two there will be a gradual feeling of not needing counseling and a sense that the couple has resolved their initial issues and are able to work out emerging issues on their own.  This feeling begins Phase Three.  At this point we often go to a bi-weekly appointment with the couple and then to once a month until all parties feel the couple is successfully negotiating a happy and fulfilling relationship. 

Beyond Phase Three – Occasional Tune Ups

After the completion of Phase Three most couples will no longer need to see me, but I do offer my clients the option of what I call Relationship Tune Ups.  Since I am familiar with the couple and they are familiar with me, I am available for one-time sessions to address a particular issue or to do a review of what the couple learned working with me. 

If you want to find the love of your life, improve an existing love relationship, develop a strong friendship network, or create a harmonious family then call me today for some exciting ways of looking at and changing this most important aspect of your life.